Monday, March 04, 2019

Needing A Break


Hey everyone, a month or so ago I wrote a post titled "when things get too much" and believe me since then things have got a little too much for me. I feel a ton of things, but mainly depressed. Being someone who is so exceptionally high functioning and feeling like I'm not succeeding because of how unwell and depressed I've been has put me in a crippling mindset that I'm just not sure that I can cope with, and it's time for a break.


The things that get to me the most and push me over the edge are simply when I feel like I'm not a good enough writer or artist or both, and right now I feel both. For those who aren't artists, it's a vicious cycle of feeling inspired, wanting to create, creating and then liking like 5% of what you create and then hating it, not feeling inspired but needing to produce work, cry, rinse repeat. If I'm honest writing is kind of the same. Throw depression into the mix and it's like everything makes you want to cry, inspiration is non existence and people make everything worse, and that's where I'm at.

Can we also add in the fact that for the first time in a really long time I actually genuinely like someone, the term "like' makes me cringe first up, and second of all he is a massive knob so I loathe myself even more for 'liking' him in the first place. I have friends, lets not forget this but he actually happens to the person that I want to talk to about how I'm feeling, and because I've taken the active choice not to because I can't be playing with feelings I actually feel lost on my own.

I feel like I live in a cycle of working all the time, producing art when I can, attempting to have time to write, or writing a lot and making no art, or even worse just working all the time and then being ill from working all the time. Without losing my job there is no way of fixing this, and really I need money to survive so my time management and planning might just have to be improved or I'll have to stop writing at some point. Heart breaking really.

I'm taking a few days out as of tomorrow, as I'm going on holiday and having a week deserved rest. I'm hoping that I come back refreshed and feeling much better, I find that getting out of town always makes me feel better. I think it's the space from Ntown that really helps me, and I find I always feel more inspired to write the further away I am from my normality.






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