Monday, December 24, 2018

2018 Roundup

Hey lovelies, let's start by saying my blog has been non-existent this year and why I've missed writing I think that the break was needed and that I need to step away to focus on other areas of my life and improving myself as a person. 2018 has by far been the worst year of my life, but I'm happy about it. In a weird way I think that experiencing hardship has made me a better, kinder and stronger person and taught me to be more compassionate to other peoples situations which maybe I wasn't pre-hand.

2018 started with me experiencing the worst grief of my life, and honestly the first few months of the year were exceptionally bleak, I didn't eat enough and lost an incredible amount of weight slipping down to a size 8-10 very quickly. I've always been extremely self conscious so this weight loss and new image made me feel so much worse, eating become a task and I'm still struggling with it now. I've spent half my life wanting to be thinner, and honestly now that I have it I still feel quite uncomfortable. Clothes fit me differently and my style prior doesn't really suit me very much at all now. As a perk I feel confident in some clothes and I'm trying my best to come to terms with my size and body image and I honestly think this will happen for me in the new year.

My love life has been an absolute car crash but I'm not mad anymore to be honest, I've been lied too, cheated on, used as a second option but it has honestly taught me to look after myself better and that I deserve so much better. Why it really sucked I feel like my months of being single have taught me so much more about myself and I'm thankful for that.

For the most part, the better bits of my year have been academically. I’ve improved so much as a painter and the doubts I had earlier in the year about having an art-fulfilled life are completely gone. I have my own studio, with the most amazing studio friends. The place has 24/7 access which is amazing for my insomnia because I find myself wandering there later at night or after work. I can be there whenever I want, whenever my depression is bad or if I just need to get away. I also find the short walk from my house to the studio to helps tire me out when I can’t sleep. In a weird way I think that I fit better with the people there than I have anywhere else and to me that means everything. It’s so lovely to be able to have conversations with like-minded people about art and literature and to be able to have a cheeky pub drink on a Monday night because fuck it why not?? The only thing I’m hoping for in the new year is that I’m able to move into a slightly bigger studio as all my paintings are massive and my studio happens to be one of the smaller ones it is probably the only thing that could make the experience any better.

As far as my job goes, I love it. As far as PhD research is going I’m enjoying it too, I have the constant doubt in my head that I’m not ready nor will I be ready but at the end of the day I can only do my best. Having already gotten my place I feel like I will just have to take it as a sign that someone believes in me and that I should roll with it. I'm excited for what the next step in academia has for me. 

In the previous month since moving into my studio I feel like I've gained so many new friends and I'm actively so much happier Some of the people in my studio are amazing to be around and I feel like I learn so much for them and I love the spontaneity of the place. Being able too paint regularly makes me happier than anything else. 

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