Friday, June 22, 2018

Where I'm At And Where I Want To Be

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I wrote anything on blog. The break has been great and I've been doing a lot of non-blog writing but I've missed this little blogging space so thought I'd come back and write some bits.

I've always been the type of person to keep things to myself, and the truth is these part months I've really been struggling. I'd like to say with mental health but to be honest I think my issue is I've realised that the safety net of university is about to be taken away from me and I'm really worries about my future after four years of academia. I am going to be doing a PhD but financially and physically I have to have a gap year. I'm exhausted and I would like to save.

I want to spend the year off achieving things I want to and saving like crazy so I don't have to work as much during my PhD. I want to have time to write. Right now I'm in a constant cycle of going to uni at 8am-5pm and then working till early hours of the morning and repeating everyday, and it has been that way since September. I want to be able to come home and have time to sit and watch TV or read a book, have coffee with friends on the weekend, be able to have a day where I sleep in and do NOTHING. Without being dramatic I am just so ready to be done with this lifestyle I'm currently living.

I also think that the reason I'm so ugh towards the future is because come September when my masters finish, all my friends leave. Everyone I've been with for the last four years goes away, and I know you make other friends etc, but some of my friends I have lived with for three years and I know it will be a big deal not seeing them everyday. Even having somewhere else I'm moving into in just a weeks time is causing me so much stress because I've always been so comfortable with my current flatmates I'm note sure how well I will cope on my own, and having spent summers alone I know that I don't always deal with it the best, but I guess that is what Netflix especially when you're trying to save money haha.

I guess maybe I've worked myself into a place mentally because the future is so uncertain to me and that's not a situation I've ever had to cope with because I've always been so solid on my plans and this time round I'm not. I guess many people who finish university feel like this but it's just such a weird feeling for me. I have a full time job so I'm secure but we will have to see what the future holds.

I'd love to know how people have dealt with this feeling after university or if anyone has felt like this in the past.


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